a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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