i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
