I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
