He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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