1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
