I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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