Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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