i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
