I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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