Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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