You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
