oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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