it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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