My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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