My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
