I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
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Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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