I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i think im in europe. pls send help
Randomize
