Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
