I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
