I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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