If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
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He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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