One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
