i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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