Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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