You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
