oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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