In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
