i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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