My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
