we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
