Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
