You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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