Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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