If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
