If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
