she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
