My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
