the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
