Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
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there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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