I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize