you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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