Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
