I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
