The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
