my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
