Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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