Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
