we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
