You made me cry and you don't even care
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
