you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
