i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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