Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
