I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
