I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He passed out mid-signature
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
