I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
