woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
