Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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