You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
