So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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